Dying While Alive
by Amyeyl
Summary: Wufei's depression begins to take its toll and Duo is worried. 2+5, 1+3(minor)
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If they were mine, you'd know it  
Warnings: Shounen ai  
Pairings: 2+5, 1+3(minor)  
Summary: Wufei's depression begins to take its toll and Duo is worried.  
  
  
  
Dying While Alive  
by Amyeyl  
  
  
Chapter 1

Wufei walked into the house he was currently sharing with his fellow gundam pilots. The others were all in the living room, watching something on television. Wufei stood in the doorway for a bit, quietly watching them. They all looked so happy together, even Heero looked more relaxed that usual. His presence apparently having gone unnoticed, he turned and made his way upstairs and into his room. As he left, a pair of worried eyes glanced at the spot where he had been standing.

In his room, Wufei fell gracelessly onto his bed. His eyes squeezed themselves shut as fingers searched blindly for something to latch onto. Coming in contact with his pillow, he pulled it to himself and buried his face in it. Minutes passed quietly, the only sounds coming from the pilot's troubled breathing. Wufei slowly relaxed his hold on the pillow and sat up, dragging a hand across his still dry eyes. On one level he was proud of himself, it was weak to cry, something only an onna would do. He shook his head briefly at the stupidity of the thought. He didn't really believe that, those statements were designed to keep everyone away. Deep down he hated it. It wasn't fair that he could no longer cry, could no longer find any release in the seemingly simple act.

Still holding his pillow he stood up and crossed the room to the window. He leaned against the cool glass and peered out at the world below. Quatre found him that way a few hours later when he came to get him for dinner. "Wufei?" The blonde boy pushed the door open enough to poke his head inside. He was met with darkness. "Wufei, why are the lights off?"

Getting no answer, he moved into the room fully and groped along the wall for the switch. As the lights flickered to life and illuminated the room, he couldn't help but stare in confusion at the sight that greeted him. Wufei stood against his window staring out into the darkness. He was still dressed in the boots and coat he'd had on when he'd come in from the cold hours ago, and he was clutching a pillow tightly to his chest.

"Wufei? We've been calling you for a while now, dinner's ready..." he trailed off as Wufei turned to face him. "Quatre?" the teen blinked slowly at him, "what are you doing in here...?"

"Um, dinner's ready Wufei. Like I said, I came up here to ge-"

"I'm not hungry..." he was cut off by Wufei's reply. "Thank you for coming to get me, though." Quatre was about to try again to get the other boy to come to dinner, but Wufei had turned back to his window, obviously finished with the conversation. Quatre frowned as he closed the door to Wufei's room and made his way back downstairs.

"Hey, Q. Where's Wu-man?"

"He said he's not hungry," Quatre sat down with a frown.

"That's the third time this week..." Duo murmured, frowning as well.

~~*~~

Later that night Wufei lay awake in bed. The entire house was quiet and dark. He hated the dark. He didn't fear any monsters or demons that may be lurking in its depths, he just hated the fact that it hid everything. The slight illumination forcing its way through the tightly drawn curtains just barely allowed him to see out to where his hands were, provided they were held directly in front of his face. He didn't like the fact that it left him alone with himself. In the dark he couldn't even use his precious books as an escape. He was forced to deal with his thoughts, or try and make himself go to sleep hoping all the while for the nightmares to stay at bay.

Of late, the latter was more difficult than the first, but he wasn't sure how much longer that would last. As this night seemed inclined to be, most were spent analyzing things he'd done or said during the day and how foolish and weak they must have made him appear to the other pilots. No matter the action or comment his mind could find something wrong with it, and it was slowly wearing down what little self-esteem he had left. Of course he couldn't let the others know how weak he truly was. They'd laugh him right out of the safe house. They would most definitely be appalled if they knew his true nature, and want nothing more to do with him; he was barely tolerated as it was.

It was times like these that he wished he believed in suicide. When his thoughts came to the logical conclusion that there was no reason he should be alive, that the others would be better off with him dead, he longed to reach for his sword or even a gun and to end it all. However, he viewed suicide as cowardly and selfish. That was one of the few positive things he had to say about himself, he wasn't a coward. Serious about it or no, he couldn't help but wonder if the other pilots would miss him if he were gone...perhaps Quatre would. Nonetheless, he would continue to live. It would be a great dishonor to his colony, his clan, Meiran, the pilots...if he was to do otherwise.

~~*~~

Duo stretched and yawned as he made his way to the kitchen for breakfast. He was greeted by the familiar sight of the four other pilots performing their usual morning routines. Heero was busy at his laptop, a cup of coffee close at hand. Trowa was picking at his breakfast, trying to both stare at Heero without getting caught (at which he failed miserably) and ignore the mothering efforts of Quatre who was trying to make sure Trowa ate a proper breakfast, not played with one. And Wufei was... Duo stopped scratching himself to look about the kitchen for signs of the other pilot. Usually he'd be across from Heero, his nose buried in a book '...and what a cute little nose it was...' Duo couldn't help but think, '...especially with those little reading glasses...' Of late, Duo had had increasing difficulty in keeping such thoughts of the raven-haired pilot from parading through his brain. He frowned, forcing the mental picture back. Now wasn't the time to be thinking such things. He had more important things to do, like finding said pilot.

The braided boy blinked as he realized the room had become quiet, even the sound of Heero clacking away had ceased. He looked up to see three, no two and a half, sets of eyes staring at him. He laughed uneasily and backed out of the kitchen. As he left, the other three shrugged and went back to their breakfast.

Due trudged up the stairs, wondering if Wufei had for once taken a clue from him and slept in. Perhaps he was in the shower, or training out back? A smile crossed his face. That's probably where Wu was. Either getting all hot and sweaty out back or removing the sweat from his gloriously sculpted, naked body in the shower. Key word being naked, and Duo quickened his pace to the bathroom. He frowned when he found the door slightly ajar and the lights off. He poked his head in just to be sure, but no, the little pilot wasn't inside. 'Backyard or the bedroom?' Duo mused. Since he was already upstairs, he picked the bedroom.

He continued down the hallway to Wufei's room and knocked on the door.

"'Fei? Are you in there?" Duo stood outside the closed door, hand on the knob. Wufei, who was still lying in bed, wished he'd locked the door after Quatre had left last night. He could either invite the braided boy in, or hope he went away without opening the door, which he knew wasn't very likely. He sighed and forced himself to sit up. Even the simple things required so much effort nowadays.

"Yes, Maxwell, I'm here. Come in." And so, Wufei sealed his fate. Duo slowly entered the room, and was shocked to find Wufei in bed of all places.

"Are you sick or something?" he asked, staring at the other boy.

"Or something..." Wufei muttered shifting under the intensity of Duo's gaze, and wondering what the boy could possibly be thinking. Duo crossed the room and placed his hand against Wufei's forehead.

"Umm... doesn't seem like you've got a fever. Want me to call Quatre? He's better at this sorta thing than me..." Wufei pushed his hand away and glowered at him.

"I said I wasn't sick." Talking with people had always been difficult. So difficult that at times he felt it wasn't worth the effort he had to put forth to do so, and it always left him feeling so drained afterwards. With simple interaction requiring so much of his energy, Wufei rarely bothered try and be civil. It was all too much, and he found such an attitude usually caused the other person to leave him alone sooner. Since he began piloting, this had become his normal method of dealing with people. Now, however, even this was beginning to feel draining. He wished Duo would go away so he could be alone again.

"Okay, Wufei..." Duo said softly, staring down at the other teen with a slightly hurt look on his face. Wufei sighed softly to himself. He hadn't meant to upset Duo; he just couldn't bring himself to act any differently. Duo, he was certain, would never understand that though; the boy had excellent people skills, something Wufei envied at times.

"What did you want Duo?"

"Just wondering where you were. I mean, you didn't come to dinner last night and you weren't at breakfast this morning... Are you hungry? I, I could make something for you..." Wufei stared at him for a moment.

"Yes Duo, I'd like that. Thank you for offering." Wufei said it as politely as he could manage. He really hadn't meant to make Duo uncomfortable earlier. He didn't like to see his friends upset. So, this was his form of an apology. Duo, for his part, was stunned, but he grinned and hurried out of the room to start on breakfast. He stopped at the door and turned around.

"Don't go falling asleep on me 'Fei. Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes." And then he was gone.

Wufei sat in bed staring at where Duo had been standing. He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, pressing against them with the heels of his hands. What he really wanted was just to try and go to sleep. However he couldn't do that, he'd promised Duo. Since he was already sitting up, he hoped talking himself out of bed would be easier.

Duo stood in front of the stove, dutifully making breakfast for himself and the Chinese pilot. As he cooked, he chewed absently on the end of his braid, wondering about the small boy. Of late, he'd been acting strange, well, stranger than what was normal for him. He'd always been sort of aloof from the others, choosing to separate himself, but never before to this degree. He'd requested more and more solo missions and was starting to purposely avoid everyone, even going to the extent of skipping meals. That really worried Duo. Wufei was most likely the smallest of them all, and that was small. There was no reason for him not to be eating. His behavior towards Duo himself of late also bothered the braided boy. He was usually arrogant and cocky in his attitude towards him, but the way he'd simply given in this morning... Duo'd expected him to yell at him and tell him that he was no judge of the boy's health, and so on. With a sigh, Duo let his braid slip from his mouth and finished up breakfast.

As he turned off the burner, shuffled footsteps alerted him to the upcoming arrival of his breakfast date. He turned from the stove and was greeted with a vision he'd love to wake up to every morning. A still sleepy looking Wufei had paused in the doorway of the kitchen and was rubbing at his eye with the back of his hand. The nightshirt he was wearing was way too big for him and made him look like a little boy who'd been playing in his father's clothes. His hair was a little messy, Duo guessed he hadn't bothered to comb it, and to top it off Wufei's slim golden legs were bared to his lingering gaze. To sum it all up, the boy looked absolutely adorable, and Duo was definitely going to look his fill.

"What are you staring at?"

"Ah, nothing!" Duo quickly turned back to the stove to hide his embarrassment at being caught staring. Wufei sighed as he moved to sit down at the table. He wondered why Duo had been staring at him. He'd probably been shocked at his appearance and then turned away so Wufei wouldn't see him laugh. Yes, Wufei knew he looked stupid, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He wasn't wearing his pajama bottoms and his hair was a mess. But he'd had a hard enough time just getting up this morning. His pants twisted uncomfortably as he tossed and turned at night so he'd decided long ago to stop sleeping in them. The shirt covered everything anyway, so he hadn't bothered to put them on after he'd gotten out of bed. And his hair, well, that didn't really matter either. He remembered hearing somewhere along the way that he shouldn't force himself to do anything, but if it came down to it, only the most important. He figured getting up and then coming down to breakfast were the most important of the four, so it was all he talked himself into doing.

He frowned as he thought that. It was quickly becoming that he had to talk himself into doing things more and more often. He didn't like that; it meant he was getting worse. That was a very bad thing. He hoped briefly that he didn't get a mission until he'd had a chance to get himself under some semblance of control again.

Duo watched with a frown on his face as Wufei sat motionless staring at the kitchen table. The others had left sometime before Duo had come back into the kitchen, so the two of them were alone. And while Duo thought Wufei looked unbearably cute they way he was dressed, he couldn't help but be worried. He'd never seen Wufei this out of it before, and it was really bothering him. All the stuff earlier, and now this... He sighed and slapped a smile on his face as he set Wufei's breakfast in front of him.

"Eat up!" He set his own plate down and dropped into a chair. He didn't start shoveling food into his mouth until Wufei had picked up his fork and at least started poking at his breakfast.

"C'mon Wu-man," Duo managed around his mouthful of food, "I didn't make that for you to perfect the art of playing with your food." Wufei dropped his fork as Duo's words registered. He stared at the utensil for a moment before slowly lifting his eyes to Duo's.

"Hey, are you okay? I didn't mean to scare you or anything..." Duo was up and moving around the table to Wufei's side. He put a hand lightly on his shoulder. Wufei didn't turn to look at him; instead he looked back down to his plate.

"Wufei?"

"I'm sorry." He pushed back from the table and headed out of the kitchen, Duo following quickly behind him. As they entered the hallway, Wufei abruptly stopped walking. Duo tried to stop, but slammed into the other teen's back. Wufei staggered forward, crashing right into Heero, the reason he'd stopped. Heero caught the two of them and held them until they regained their balance.

Taking a step back, he eyed Wufei critically. To put it simply, he looked like shit, but he wasn't about to say that out loud. Wufei would probably try and hit him...then again, with the way he'd been acting he might not. There was no question as to which Heero found more disturbing. Still, it wasn't what he'd come downstairs for.

"Wufei, you have a mission," he said instead. Seeing the raven-haired boy nod, he stepped out of the way and allowed him to pass. As Wufei made his way upstairs, Heero quietly watched him. He didn't like what he saw. He turned to Duo, who was looking at him pleadingly. He nodded once and looked back at the stairs.

"Go with him."

~~*~~

It was a simple mission, seek and destroy, that sort of thing. It was the kind Duo usually enjoyed, he got to show off Deathscythe's many talents and humiliate Oz at the same time. It was great, and something Wufei should have been able to handle on his own. Get rid of any mobile suits that showed up, blow up the base, etc. etc. etc. So why wasn't that what was happening?

Duo grunted as he slammed into one of the dolls, knocking it away from a careless Wufei. Either the pilot of his self-proclaimed Nataku was blind, or he'd fallen asleep at the controls. "Wufei!! What the hell are you doing?!"

Wufei looked down at the angry face of the boy on his monitor. He mumbled an apology and threw himself once more into the fight, this time doing Nataku justice. As they returned to the hidden hanger for their gundams, Wufei rubbed the monitor where Duo's face had been earlier displayed and thought back on the battle.

It would have been so easy to have just stopped fighting, to allow Oz's forces to simply kill him there. In fact, that's just what he'd been trying to do. He probably would've succeeded too, if not for Duo. The braided boy had saved him every time he thought he would find release. His life was now in the hands of the God of Death, just not in the way he wanted it to be. And whether it was because he'd finally gotten to the point of actively seeking an end to his life or because Duo was the only thing at current moment keeping him from doing so, he couldn't say; but one thing was certain, and that was that Chang Wufei, gundam pilot and sole survivor of the Dragon Clan, was afraid. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: If they were mine, you'd know it  
Warnings: Shounen ai  
Pairings: 2+5, 1+3(minor)  
Summary: Wufei's depression begins to take its toll and Duo is worried.  
A/N: A little short, a little not good, but a little nonetheless  
  
  
  
Dying While Alive  
by Amyeyl  
  
  
Chapter 2

Lying in bed, the boy could just barely make out the hushed voices coming from the other side of his closed door. They were talking about him, he realized. They must be worried. After all, no matter how much one is unliked or merely tolerated, unless one has done something truly bad, no one would wish to see that one die.

It had been what, two, maybe three, days since that last mission when he'd lost control, and he hadn't left his bed since. Therefore, it would stand to reason that his fellow pilots would be worried about him. Just then, the door opened and Duo inched slowly into the room.

"Hey, Wufei," he said softly, trying not to show how unhappy he was when Wufei didn't respond in kind. The dark haired boy simply shifted his gaze from whatever he'd been staring at to focus on Duo. He sighed as he moved towards the bed; at least it was a reaction.

"How're you feeling?" Again, there was no answer. "Come on, Wufei! You've been in bed for the past three days! Don't you want to get up now?"

"No, not really," the whisper was so soft, Duo barely heard it. But he heard it nonetheless, and it didn't make him any happier. He grabbed a hold of Wufei's arms and pulled him into a sitting position, shaking the boy in frustration. He was angry and afraid at how Wufei was letting himself be handled without so much as a protest.

"What's wrong with you, 'Fei? We're your friends, we want to help you! Why won't you tell us what's wrong? Why won't you let us help you?" Wufei didn't answer. Instead, he slumped even more in Duo's grasp, seeming ever more the lifeless doll. Duo growled. If Wufei wasn't going to take care of himself, then he would.

He stood up and pulled Wufei along with him. Pushing the dark haired boy in front of him all the way, Duo made it out the door and down the hallway to the bathroom. He sat the boy down on the closed toilet and started to fill the tub up with water. This seemed to bring Wufei out of whatever daze he had settled into.

"What are you doing?!" Duo looked up at him from where he continued to kneel by the tub.

"I'm going to give you a bath, Wufei. What does it look like I'm doing?" Wufei stared at him in shock.

"I'm capable of giving myself a bath," he stated, crossing his arms self-consciously over his chest.

"It doesn't seem that way from where I'm sitting, Wufei," he said sadly.

"Out!" Duo stared at him for a moment, but made no move to get up. "Get out!" Only when Wufei stood up, did Duo do the same and make for the door.

"I'll bring some clean clothes for you." And then he was gone, leaving Wufei to his bath.

~~*~~

Wufei sat in the tub, his body hunched over. He stared listlessly at the little ripples the formed and traveled out and away from him. There were so many of them. He wasn't moving enough to cause that many and he couldn't help but wonder where they were coming from. Every few seconds there would be a soft plopping noise and then the little ripples would appear.

He blinked, once, twice, and again. He raised his arm slowly out of the water, creating a massive storm on the surface, and brought his hand to his face. It was hard to tell with already wet fingers, but he dimly felt the telltale dryness on both sides of his face.

He was crying. He hadn't cried in so long, since...well, he couldn't remember the last time. Now, here he was, sitting in the tub, crying. And he hadn't even noticed.

At first he felt like laughing, and a half smile did make it on to his face. He starred momentarily at his fingers as if he could see the tears there. He'd wanted to cry three days ago. He'd wanted to cry every day since then, but he hadn't been able to. Now he could cry, and briefly, he was happy.

Then the reason for his tears made itself known, and the happiness was gone as if it had never been.

Duo. Of late, he had been horrible to the boy. He hadn't been particularly kind to the others, but he had been around Duo more and had lashed out at him. He couldn't understand it, but in a way, he could.

Duo was offering him the thing he wanted most. He offered friendship. Yet, while Wufei craved this intensely, he was afraid of all that it would entail. He longed for a place to belong, a place where he could simply be and not worry about how his actions would affect others. But he was too afraid of losing the little he had attained to grasp at something that may not even exist. He reached for it with one hand and batted it away with the other. And in doing so, he hurt the few people he cared about.

He understood with perfect clarity what it was he was doing, but no matter how long he thought on it, he couldn't understand why he did it. He knew he acted out of fear, but why was he afraid?

"I guess I am a coward now, as well," he whispered softly to the ripples that had begun to form again. The tears continued to fall, for those he hurt, for that which he never truly hoped to have, and for himself.

As he fully gave himself up to the tears, curling inward and letting half-choked sobs escape, Duo reentered the bathroom, carrying the change of clothes he promised to bring.

"Wufei, I brought the-" the remaining words died unnoticed on his lips. The clothes were left in a haphazard pile on the floor after Duo had backed slowly out of the room. He couldn't believe that he had seen and heard what his eyes, ears, and brain were telling him he had just seen and heard. Wufei was crying. But Wufei was Wufei. Wufei didn't cry.

Still shocked beyond words, Duo almost tripped as he hurried down the stairs to go and find the others. Maybe one of them would have an idea of what to do.

He found them all conveniently in the living room, watching television. Skidding to a halt he proceeded to tell them exactly what he had seen, albeit very quickly and with wild gesticulations.

Three faces stared blankly at him.

"What did he say, Heero?"

"I..." the Japanese boy shook his head, "...have no idea."

Duo grumbled, but started over again, carefully going slowly this time. This was important. When he finished the second time, the three faces stared at him like he was crazy.

"Duo, Wufei doesn't cry."

"Heero's right," Quatre moved forward to place a calming hand on Duo's arm, "Wufei doesn't cry. Even I can't imagine someone like him crying."

"It's true," Duo mumbled, shrugging off Quatre's hand, "and instead of being up there trying to figure out what's wrong, I'm down here talking to you."

"What made you come down here, Duo?" Trowa asked softly. Duo looked up at him, he wasn't too proud of his reasoning.

"I was afraid. I didn't, and still don't, know what to do about it. And he was angry with me when I left before, I didn't think he'd want to see me."

"I'll go talk to him," Quatre stated as he started up the stairs. The others nodded and followed at a distance. Trailing along at the end of the line, Duo couldn't help but think this was a bad idea.

Quatre shook his head at the stupidity of it all. Wufei didn't cry, Duo had to have been seeing things. But whatever he had seen had upset him and made him believe the story he had told. Perhaps Wufei had been playing a joke on him. Wufei had been acting strangely of late, but to break down and cry? It just wasn't possible. He didn't dwell on the fact that Wufei playing a joke was just as unlikely. He pushed the door open, and stepped inside the bathroom.

He hadn't been prepared at all for what he found. Wufei still sat in the tub, and he was crying. No wonder Duo was as flustered as he was when he had come downstairs. Quatre was having a hard time wrapping his mind around what he had so easily dismissed before.

"Wufei?" his voice sounded funny, maybe it was the shock setting in. He moved closer to the tub, kneeling down to be at eye level with the boy who still didn't seem to notice him. "Wufei?" he tried again, this time shaking him gently.

"Go away, Quatre," it came out low and harsh, voice roughened by his earlier sobs, "just leave me alone."

"NO! Wufei, we're worried about you! Duo came downstairs all upset because he said you'd been crying. We didn't really believe him, and I don't think he really believed it either, but he came down there because he was worried..." Quatre mentally slapped himself when Wufei winced at his words, but pushed on, trying to get his point across. "But what's important is that we're your friends and we want to help you. We can't do that if you continue to shut us out and hide yourself away. Wufei, let us help you."

"You want to help me?"

"Yes!"

"Then..." Wufei looked up, finding the face of Duo. He'd answered instead of Quatre and Wufei's retort went unsaid. "...then just leave me alone, please."

~~*~~

Wufei sat in a chair by the window that night, wrapped tightly in a large quilt. His forehead pressed once again to the cool glass, he looked this time to the heavens. The stars twinkled merrily away, not a care in the world. How he longed to be like one of them. But perhaps he was wrong about them. Perhaps they were just as lonely as he was, calling out in the only way they knew how for someone, for something, for anything, just to not be alone anymore. Perhaps they stared back at the humans, longing for the happiness they had just as the humans longed for their seeming eternity.

But that eternity was a lie. Nothing lasted forever, not even the stars. It was impossible to say how many of the stars he saw tonight, twinkling merrily, were already dead.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: If they were mine, you'd know it  
Warnings: Shounen ai  
Pairings: 2+5, 1+3(minor), unrequited 4+3  
Summary: Wufei's depression begins to take its toll and Duo is worried.  
A/N: I don't much like Quatre. I'd hoped that I wouldn't be updating this again. Nothing great, though, the product of early morning writing.

  
  
Dying While Alive  
by Amyeyl

  
Chapter 3

It had been weeks since his last mission. For a while he had begun to wonder if there was a lull in the war. This was disproved quickly as the others seemed to be swamped with them. So why not him?

He lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. It seemed to be all he did of late. It didn't really bother him, it wasn't as if he had the desire to do anything anyway. In fact, he wished it were that simple. To a casual observer he could pass for doing nothing, but if you watched closely you could tell it was not the case.

Thoughts plagued his mind endlessly. He couldn't rid himself of them no matter what he tried to do. He couldn't focus well enough to meditate and sleep brought them about in frightening new ways. The dreams were so bad it had gotten to the point that he didn't want to sleep anymore. And so he lay awake day in, day out, trying to ignore the thoughts that swirled through his mind.

His pillow was a tiny comfort to him, and he was rarely seen without it. Even now, as he thought about the war and his friends, he was curled around his pillow, squeezing it for all he was worth. If it had been alive, it would have surely suffocated by now. He rubbed his cheek against the smooth surface and sighed softly.

Why wasn't he being assigned any missions? Had Master O lost faith in him after his failure? Or perhaps his fellow pilots? It would explain why they were all so busy. If they were taking his missions because they didn't trust him to be able to do them...

The thought made him angry. It had been a while since he had felt anything other than pain in his torso, and it was a welcome change. He was just as capable as they were, just as capable as he had always been. So why were they treating him like a child?

He climbed off of his bed and left the room. He made his way downstairs, unaware of the pillow still clutched tightly in his arms. He found Quatre in the kitchen. To say the least, the blonde pilot was startled to find see him.

"Wufei? You're up."

"Is that such a surprise?"

"Yes-well, no, I mean..." he sighed at his fumbling then took a slight breath. Smiling this time, he started over, "It's nice to see you up." Wufei stared at him for a moment, unsure of how to respond. What did Quatre mean by that? At one point, he may have seen it as true concern on the blonde boy's behalf, but in his angered state he could only see it as negative. He frowned, unconsciously squeezing his pillow.

"I'm sure," he mumbled, turning his face into the pillow. He blinked, pulling back as he realized that he still had it with him. He stared at it like he'd never seen it before. He was so focused on the pillow that he hadn't heard Quatre for a while.

"Wufei!" Startled out of his confusion over the pillow, he looked over to Quatre. "I asked you a question." At the boy's blank look, Quatre repeated it. "What did you mean by that, by what you said?" For a moment, Quatre thought he was going to have to ask again. As Wufei thought back over the short conversation, wondering just what he had said, his eyes had gone slightly out of focus. When he remembered, though, they snapped back.

"Oh... nothing..."

"Wufei," Quatre began, unsure if he should be angry or concerned, and moved around the kitchen table towards him, "That wasn't nothing. You know I care about you, right?" At times, Quatre wondered about Wufei. If he hadn't seen him crying a few days ago... no, that was nonsense, and he brushed the thought away. "Sure Quatre..." he whispered.

"Dammit, Wufei!" Quatre yelled, slamming his hand against the tabletop. "Stop that! We're your friends, all of us, and we DO care about you whether you want to believe or not. Now I don't know what's crawled up your ass lately, but I think it's high time you pulled it out!"

Wufei left the kitchen without another word. A few moments later, Quatre heard the door close. It was probably locked as well.

"Shit!" This time it was his fist that connected with the wall. It left behind a depression and cracked plaster. Nothing of any use.

~~*~~

The shouting brought Trowa into the kitchen. He was passed by an obviously upset Wufei. For a moment, he was unsure of who to check up on. He couldn't be in two places at once. The sounds from the kitchen that followed the closing of Wufei's door made up his mind. True, he worried for the black haired boy, but Quatre was his best friend. He hated rationalizing his decisions, the scales never balanced.

He found the blonde slumped in a chair, shaking slightly. He came up behind him slowly, trying to discern if he were crying or not. He couldn't be sure, but it didn't seem like it.

"Quatre?" he asked softly, kneeling beside him. "What happened?" The boy in the chair sniffed, but tears had yet to fall.

"I..." he gestured towards the damaged wall, "I put a hole in the wall."

"That's what has you so upset?" He didn't think that was the case, but it would make things so much simpler.

"Not completely, but it doesn't help matters." he sniffed again, before managing a slight, watery smile. Trowa shifted to face him fully and rubbed the boy's arm in comfort.

"What else, then?"

"Wufei..." he gestured loosely towards the doorway, then rubbed at his nose and sniffed. "I yelled at him, and, and I shouldn't have. I mean, I shouldn't have, he... something's wrong with him and my yelling couldn't have made it any better. But he made me so mad, Trowa. It's not like him, it's not like me. I don't know what to do. I just.." his voice cracked and he leaned forward against Trowa, trusting his friend to support him while he cried.

The tears soaked into Trowa's turtleneck as he held his sobbing friend. Quatre was still mumbling through his tears, but what he was saying wasn't too important. Trowa knew Quatre knew he couldn't really be understood. He'd tell him exactly what had happened after he calmed down some. For now, it was enough that Trowa was there to hold him and let him cry.

Then something different happened. Quatre's voice moved from the vicinity of his shoulder to directly next to his ear. Slightly confused, Trowa turned to face the still crying boy. He was unprepared when Quatre stopped talking and pressed lips against his own. The blonde whimpered when Trowa jerked back.

"Q-Quatre?"

"Don't let go, Trowa. Please don't... I don't want to be alone right now."

"You know I'd never leave you alone, Quatre, but I-"

"I know, Trowa... I know you don't feel that way about me."

"I..."

"I know."

~~*~~

Wufei stood beside his bed, anger and pillow both long forgotten. One was pushed to a corner of his mind, the other dropped carelessly to the floor. Both discarded in favor of the object held gingerly between his fingers. A tiny, sharp knife, taken from the kitchen at some point in time he didn't remember. The silver of it glinted in the light when held just so. He stood, as he had for a long moment, in contemplation of it. It was so small, yet perhaps... Just perhaps.

He smiled briefly, not a happy smile, but the smile of the desperate. He thought it was stupid. He didn't want to kill himself, he didn't want attention. He didn't want to be trendy or fit into any groups. He knew it was stupid, but just maybe...

He moved over to his desk and set the knife down. Holding out his left arm, he rolled back the fabric of his sleeve. Picking up the knife again, he scrutinized his flesh. He could vaguely make out the veins trailing blue throughout his arm. Why was he doing this? It didn't make sense really. But he had to try, if it could help...

He placed the blade against his flesh, not pressing, not dragging. The colors were so different. But there was his arm again, reflected back at him. He made a swift cut, pulling the knife a barely a centimeter towards himself. It wasn't deep, and it didn't hurt.

Blood welled up, a few drops at a time. More would rise to replace what he wiped away, never threatening to spill over or trickle down his arm. Just a few drops. It bled longer than he thought it would. Soon after, though, came the pain. It was a dull throb, easily ignorable if one chose to do so. But he focused on it. On the pain, on the blood. It was real, it was there for him to see and feel. Not like everything else, that was all so far away. It was all so confusing, the other pain. He didn't understand it, couldn't. But this, it was so simple and it made sense. You cut yourself and you bleed, you feel pain.

A refuge in logic. A sanctuary in the pain.

  
  


  
  


A/N: shameless self plug like thing- tartarus.keenspace.com -(tuesdays and saturdays, for now)


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